Sometimes “Good Bye” is Another Way of Saying
“I Love You”
I met the Soul Mechanic on a hot morning in Phoenix, Arizona. He is a man in his 60s – a therapist with a Ph.D. in clinical psychotherapy, later turned minister in a spiritual center – a tall man with shining white hair and eyes so blue they seem to reflect the skies of Heaven. People throughout the country call him the Soul Mechanic because they had found healing and peace in his words of wisdom. His name will remain a secret.
I had been battling with depression for more than three years when I met him, and each morning brought new waves of suffocating pain. I couldn’t afford to see a therapist because I was on tour with my events, driving across the country in my rental car and barely had money to cover the food. I never considered taking medicine because, in spite of the smothering pain, I was vaguely aware that depression is the outcome of living against the truth, when the mind and the heart clash and will in opposite directions for a long period of time. I had stayed for too long in a relationship I didn’t want to be in, I had chocked my heart’s will to walk out into freedom and now I was paying the price. But knowing the cause didn’t make the pain lighter. It actually made it worse.
For some people it works – you go to therapy, you answer a lot of uncomfortable questions, you discover the root cause of your behaviors, and then you are healed because you understand where the pain is coming from. For me it was obvious: my heart called me to love, joy and freedom, but my mind, with all my beliefs about how relationships should be (eternal and everlasting) – dragged me in the opposite direction. This created a giant chasm inside me and threw me into depression. Yes, I knew the cause but I wasn’t able to do anything about it. I observed myself sinking into a black pit, powerless to turn around and drag myself in the opposite direction. I was descending, as if by my own choice, deeper and deeper into pain. Depression became the unconscious self-inflicted punishment for leaving the relationship, the way to hide the guilt for wanting something else for my life. I am stifling in pain, how can I be guilty? I am not the bad guy, here look at this agony I am going through.
“I have an organic fruit farm in Hawaii. When the time will be right, someday in the future you will come and see me” said the Soul Mechanic. “Your pain is not caused by love, but by all your attachments to the past. You need to forgive yourself. You have accused and judged and condemned yourself for doing the right thing and you need time to heal.
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